
I feel plenty of anxieties as I pick up the stone; bills, upcoming commitments, unfinished business. I let go of them when proceeding with concentration by asking what can be solved in this moment and giving myself permission to let go. I feel that the problems are still there, but my focus shifts to present feeling in my fingers. Sometimes, when I let go like this, tiredness comes quickly.
Letting go of anxiety seems to turn into tiredness. I go back to thinking about biology; there is so much fighting for survival, being aware of what may be of benefit or harm, that when that is lifted, the body wishes to sleep, to recover. I feel that I am resisting a biological signal with curiosity. And at this point, the curiosity has to be about the process taking place, whatever it is, with enough faith gathered thus far in direct experience being more interesting than sleep (at least at times) and in the possibility that biology (or better yet my relationship to it) is not all there is.
I then get into another dichotomy; holding onto the stone tightly vs. the worry that this is all there is. Or that this meditation is special vs nothing else is special. So many opposites, all spread out in a long line that seems to go nowhere, except that when looking, each set dissolves.
Letting go of anxiety seems to turn into tiredness. I go back to thinking about biology; there is so much fighting for survival, being aware of what may be of benefit or harm, that when that is lifted, the body wishes to sleep, to recover. I feel that I am resisting a biological signal with curiosity. And at this point, the curiosity has to be about the process taking place, whatever it is, with enough faith gathered thus far in direct experience being more interesting than sleep (at least at times) and in the possibility that biology (or better yet my relationship to it) is not all there is.
I then get into another dichotomy; holding onto the stone tightly vs. the worry that this is all there is. Or that this meditation is special vs nothing else is special. So many opposites, all spread out in a long line that seems to go nowhere, except that when looking, each set dissolves.
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