Touching the stone. Sometimes, clearing out the cobwebs and focusing is easy, like tonight. Then I am touching but asking questions about the practice in my mind. Not sure how much of it is helpful. I put the touching into pleasant, unpleasant and neutral, being reminded that craving comes in quickly; in most cases, an intellectual craving to define and categorize, which I'm not sure is all bad. The feelings in the stone are subtle or vague and not always sharp and clear. Often it is quite neutral, but when I pay closer attention it is pleasant or unpleasant. That being said, neutrality may just have a vague cast because I am not used to staying with it. I contemplate the characteristics such as smooth or rough, warm or cool, hard and soft, etc and I notice that they are built up by history and don't give me a sense of the stone as it really is. I relax and see if the stone and I can come to terms about its attraction or not. I venture off into thinking about my purpose; to stay with contact and feeling and notice craving. The stone is more neutral.
A moonbeam comes into the window and moves down my shirt toward my hand. I fantasize that it will strike the stone and the stone will then float etc etc. But the moonbeam goes just to the left onto my hand and down. I move my hand over and the moonbeam strikes the stone beautifully. Is it any different than some positive forces I ascribe to being beyond my power?
What if I imagined winning the lottery. I imagine crazy people must feel quite fine because sometimes they imagine such things, or they imagine horrible things and feel intensely bad. Perhaps all I am doing is imagining things. I imagine imagining that I have won the lottery. It is hard to do but it is a great feeling. Not less real than some other feelings, but not that real either.... mostly because it passes. There is a long view to reality.
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