Noticing states of mind that are joyful and then states that are fearful. Holding on to joyful states. Noticing how everything is indeed filtered through history.. I remember how joyful states felt and suppose that they should be 'like that one'. Remembering how states have changed in the past and contemplating root causes of view. Considering if view now is, at some deep level, like a kind of scarcity, that there may not be enough joy, or I might not have enough capacity to open up, to find it. I've cultivated so much fear, boxes within boxes to protect from the breaking of the outer boxes, that it is hard to bring the depths of me out into joy.
I notice also the fear of forgetting, missing something. I notice the body state that tightens around that feeling, and then how it moves in loops of body>mind>body>mind much faster than I can follow. I sit with the body through concentration. I notice that I can sit with one part of the body and the tension can ease, and it can move quickly to another part like from my chest to my jaw. Sneaky, that instinct to preserve, protect, run.
I bring history out into the light and it sits there and seems alright.
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