Day Eighty-three

Looking at what is there. The stone is there. Also, tiredness, sadness, and great joy. I watch and tiredness has aspects of restlessness and doubt. I embrace them and they fade. Tiredness, too then fades. Sadness is there, and it is of the past and present, my memories and my worries are there. I hold the stone. It is not in the past although I have other memories of it. I too am no longer in the past. I sit with my worries and sadness of the past and let go of what I cannot change. Stones may not get sad, but they change; they crack and they become other things. I am what I am because of the past.

I wonder if I can choose my emotions, as if they were something I am far enough away from to not get led around by. I tend to think there is only distance and suffering from my emotions, but that is not true. Real closeness to them lets me have the only choices I truly have, to be me with them.

The stone was a gift of love and kindness, joy and a little sadness. It is well balanced; I leave my touch of it tonight to stay with the love in my world, with more of me, more closeness, less wanting.

Day Eighty-two

The stone is quiet at all times, in all places. Whevever I am touching it, only I have the noise, or only I am somewhere else. That must be the case with everything that touches any sense. The sound of a bell, the dart of a swallow, the waves of thought and the smell of coffee are all of the intensity that they truly are, none of them have any excess noise. And they are neither existent outside of experience nor are they only made of contact; they are something brand new.

When awareness is added, these things are notes in the quiet song of freedom.

Day Eighty-one

How often I treat meditation as a way out of pain, I say to myself "this will bring release from my attachments", with the attitude of non-acceptance of things as they are.

There is no time, there is nothing better, there is nowhere else to be. Yet the stone is a center, like a little writing desk I have made to supplicate inspiration. Every article of faith sinks into the ground with the rain. I let go my grip on waiting, my long count.

Day Eighty

I often think I cannot let go of problems and troublesome thoughts or physical pains until they are gone. But that's not really practice, that's just hallucinating again, holding on to wishes that things be different. Letting be might be a healthier way to phrase the beginning of working with problems.

All things appear at first to be in concert with my mood, with my own sense of trouble or calm. Later, all things appear sort of pointless, but that is my mood of doubt, when things start to run down and run out when they are looked at; combined with a low energy state and or an underlying problem I've pushed down instead of truly letting be.

I notice golden beads coming toward me on light rays from the candle. They are not really there. But all of my experience comes to me that way, none of it is very substantial. Reality is never made of what it looks like, but at least I get paid for my hallucinations at work, and they drive me to the supermarket.

Day Seventy-nine

A number of new distractions seem to come up when concentrating; like a sense of physical pleasure and also distinct and unexpected feelings in specific senses. Today I feel very light and comfortable and my senses feel clear. I do not feel very tired. When I touch the stone, after a while, it feels very comfortable.

I am drawn to my eyes and my jaw, which relax. Inbreath is especially pleasant and my nasal passages are very clear, larger. Perhaps I have become an anteater. A quick check reveals that I am not. I see clear grey and purple intertwining shapes on my eyelids.

So much to be distracted by; a kind of easy comfort that then demands to be filled up with visual and tactile things. I recognize this as a default position to easy comfort, although it is not often enought that I have a sense of easy comfort. I am mindful and go back to direct touching.

Hard to stay there when uncomfortable or distracted, hard to stay there when clear and calm.

Day Seventy-eight

Trust in love is necessarily scary or risky, at least to our constructed self. Otherwise we would be whole all the time, and therefore probably stone. It seems to me that much is made of nonduality and oneness, but from where and to where are we brought? Here is another construction, all that is beyond frustration, doubt, and anger. Just be here, they say, and rest in non-duality. I am not done kissing the stones I cast.

Day Seventy-seven

Craving seems to be simply wanting to be elsewhere. When I am going to meditate, I notice many cravings. Most of them are in the realm of thought, but these thoughts are often influenced by feelings and the body.

I am running through many scenarios in my life about gaining this or losing that. There are more diffuse wants that drift into a fog. I want to argue with situations in my life. I lose sight of the fact that I can look upon these hindrances for what they are and not push them away too forcefully. By noting what is going on I can refocus. I can see the craving, at least generally.

I am holding this stone. I am this body. I am posessed of many fears and arguments. I am this mind. This is a helpful step for me, although none of it is true. I need to go through it because the truth, that even my concentration, body and thoughts are not 'mine' is a place I must take steps to. For me, to let go I must know what I am letting go of.

Craving falls under the categories of hindrances; of doubt, restlessness, tiredness, desire and aversion, but doesn't seem to be any of these things. In other words, I can have doubt and not crave for it to be different, focus on its arising and watch its passing. I can see tiredness and not crave for it to end or crave to sink into it and so on. As for desire, that is much closer to craving, but I can watch that, too and turn back gently to the object of focus or let it pass.

This thirst for what is different feels so very intimately tied to all things.